Lala

It’s been awhile. I only feel like writing in here when I’m depressed or angry. I guess that makes sense.

I think I’m pmsing because I’ve been kinda depressed and moody lately. And I’ve been listening to Michael Buble’s Lost and craving Raisinets. Who craves Raisinets? Its the grossest chocolate snack, except its pretty much the yummiest grossest chocolate snack ever.

So I guess I’ve been feeling unappreciated, unlovable, and all those un- + good adjectives that you can think of. It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. When you think about it like that, it’s not that long, especially since he was my first bf which means I’d been single for 18 years of my life. Now that I’ve had one, and it’s been over one year, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m incapable of being loved. That’s an extreme statement and I use PMS in my defense. But really, what is wrong with me? I don’t talk to my ex at all. I know that is the case in some instances but they’re usually relationships from middle school or high school. Is it immature that I don’t talk to him? The way we ended things were fine but after he got a girlfriend, he got shady. She was a senior last year, and at the end of the year I asked him when he was going home. He told me after the weekend, which is when graduation is but he didn’t outright say it. So I asked, oh are you going to the graduation ceremony? And he replied, yea, I have a few friends graduating. I asked if friends meant girlfriend, to which he replied youre a smart one or some equally stupid snide comment which annoyed me. I had told him before that I wanted him to be honest with me, including about his girlfriend because now that we’re friends he should be able to tell me about things like that. But he didn’t, he skirted around the topic and it just made me feel kind of low so I told him not to talk to me unless he could be honest and just say thing the way they are. That was the last time I talked to him, and I’m not counting my birthday wish to him in November as talking. But I can’t help but wonder what our friendship might have been like, and if I still would have had someone I could count on and would always love me. He said that he loved me and he probably would never feel that way about anyone else. People always say things like that but I wish it were true. It doesn’t even have to be the kind of love that you feel in a relationship, actually I wouldn’t want that at all, but I want the kind where you really care about the person and when they’re down you’d know it and try cheering that person up.

I wish I had someone who cared and brought me raisinets and watched my stupid movies or tv shows with me. Its kind of hard to have a friend sit in bed with me and watch my shows and get me candy. Do friends do that? You see it on tv a lot, where your best friend will climb in from the window and bring you food or keep you company. I kind of had relationships like that in high school but not so much in college. I think other people do, I just don’t.

I think I’m just lonely because S has a bf that she sees all the time. She’s hardly at home and when she is, I don’t know what to talk to her about anymore. I miss her. I miss her and t, and the way we used to be, a trio. I’ve made new friends this sem and I really love them but sometimes I can’t help but feel used. I wonder if they would call me as much if I hadn’t been the only 21 year old with a car. Also, kinda weird but that has depressed me a lot too. I can’t help but wonder if I have any redeeming qualities that would make people want to be my friend. I feel like people can see it or sense it, that I’m not confident, or as fun, or worthwhile as other people may be. I’m depressed and I think people can tell. I think I’ve switched personalities with A because she’s been feeling happier and I’ve just been feeling pissed and depressed. We need to switch cuz how I feel sucks. And I can’t sleep because I feel depressed. I need zoloft or a friend. lol. It’s sad that I’ve gotten to this point. Maybe I’m just feeling low because I am getting sober. Don’t worry guys, I’m not suicidal lol.

Well, anyway, I shouldn’t feel so lonely because Michael Buble says I’m not alone and that he’s always there with me. So yea! Who can say that- that Michael Buble’s with them?

Also, I dropped that motherfucking cunt sucking dick of a professor’s class. I derno what that would do to my chances of being on the dean’s list though.