Lala

I used to hate those things when I was younger. Now I love and truly appreciate their genius- including the chocolate bar, cuz who woulda thunk those ingredients would be so tasty together.

Whenever I look back on old posts and blogs, I feel disgusted or embarassed by them – which is why I usually privatize a lot of my entries.

—

What the fuck’s wrong with me?

I have sooooooooo much reading to do but I can’t help it, I need to post. This blog is like my boyfriend lol. It’s weird though that I haven’t yet posted about my 10-day North Korean diet. Tonight is the 8th day and tomorrow will be my 9th day. It’s been really hard and  I cracked today. It was a bad idea buying those dried mangos yesterday, cuz I had one late last night/early morning. It was cuz I smoked a cigg and I felt so sick and light headed that I needed something in my stomach. But I don’t have a good excuse for why I ate one later this morning :-[. I feel really guilty about it but other’s have cheated a little bit too so I don’t feel tooo terrible. I lost a lot of weight on this diet although that wasn’t the motivation behind this diet. The scale says the same thing as before but people have commented about how I lost weight on my face and body. I think I have too. I can say now that my face is more oval than circular. This is making me become kinda vain actually. People have told me I look prettier now…. which means- thin=pretty. I hope I don’t become obsessed with my weight like I used to be, but I think it’ll happen. I’ve never been as thin as I wanted to be. Senior year, I probably had some sort of an eating disorder, but in college, I met people and they liked me for the way I was. My ex thought I was loveable enough, and so I became more confident about my body and became better. But now I don’t have anyone to love me for the way I am, so I kinda wanna lose weight..

 This post … is kind of embarassingly dumb …

My professor, the one that doesn’t know my name (ref. prev entry), praised these two kids writing styles claiming that he could hear their voice and that one resembled a style of jane austens, the other was the sopranos, I think the HBO show – hopefully not soprano singers… because that would take the term too literally. lol. But since then I’ve been wondering if he could hear my voice in the essay, and if I even have a voice. People say I do, so I’ll believe it, but I guess my essay wasn’t good enough or did not remind him of any certain ”voice” thus, not worth mentioning. So I guess you could say I’ve kind of obsessed over the whole notion of it. I want to be a good writer. I want people to be interested in the things I’m writing about. I know I do have a tendency of rambling in my writings as well as when I talk, so I guess that could kind of be my voice? 

My english professors have always said that beautiful writing is clear. Clear could have several meanings and it does make allowances for different styles of writing. It could be for short and direct writing styles or for flowery and elaborate writing styles, as long as its clear. But most professors would rather have students write direct and concise essays. I think it’s because when students try to write elaborate and descriptive essays, they have a tendency of rambling and all professors want is to get the gist of your argument, and it’s hard to do that with a lot of adjectives and adverbs. If you’re a good writer, you’d be able to make it elaborate and flowery but not be too cluttered. But that’s just a theory, sorry if I’ve insulted anyone.

After reading several issues of Asian Outlook and going to club meetings last semester, I’ve finally decided to write an article. I think a lot about these things because once it’s published, it will always be out there, so I didn’t want to write about anything silly or cliche – which is easy to do since it is an AZN publication. So, a pertinent issue that I don’t feel like has been addressed all that much on campus is AZN Voters, their pull at the polls, how to mobilize AZN voters, why there aren’t many representatives in Congress for AZNs, and why candidates don’t reach out to AZNs more. Wow, I never fully thought about all the issues that I wanted to address til now… seems kind of a lofty goal. I’ll probably end up using only one or two of these issues.

If we were gonna make a day to celebrate love, we should have just made everyday a day of love instead of having one day where people in relationships can act more grossly than they already do and rub it in the faces of those who are single. I remember being really upset last year because I didn’t have a valentine and also it was near when my ex and I broke up. It didn’t help either that my friends were newly involved in relationships. But I was not as melodramatic this year even though my away msg said “Fuck valentine’s day”, and when people tried to give me candy or sell me candy, I’d tell them I hate valentine’s day, which made things awkward for like 5 seconds til they found someone else to bother. So this dude that I used to have a crush on asked me how my valentine’s day was going. The reason why I used to have a crush is that he is now in a relationship, so fuck him too for asking me.

So I realized I’ve been posting on avg, and usually only once a month. I decided to change the status quo and write not once but twice! Did I use the phrase ’status quo’ right?

And I also decided to post because I’m hella depressed – not only about V-day. Our school had a career fair today. S and I woke up early and it took a lot out of me to try and not skip this thing. I was exhausted, but S said I might regret it if I didn’t go. So we got changed into our business attire, when we decided it would probably pointless since we were competing with SOM psychos with 3.8 gpa’s, crazy ass extracurricular activities, and hella good resumes with excellent interviewing skills. But we decided we’d drop and get some swag. At this fair, I realized I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. And honestly, with my gpa, I really don’t have many choices. I really wish I had worked harder and it sucks so much because I feel so much regret that I wish I could go back and change things. I’m the kind of person who thinks once its done, its done and there’s not really much you can do about it. There’s no point in dwelling but I feel like freshman and sophmore year was too big of a fuck up and a waste that I can’t help but wish that those two years just didn’t exist. I feel like the bad outweigh the good… well I guess I can’t be certain til much later and see how much those two years affect my career. I just hate that its something I can’t fix. I know now, all I can do is look at the future and try to do better. And I am trying. It’s really hard because I don’t think my teacher for Law and Lit likes me.. I’d really like a 4.0 this semester and I think I can do it for my 3 other classes. It’ll be a piece of cake for Korean 204 and Korean Linguistics, but it’ll take a lot more work for Phil345 but I feel pretty confident that if I go to office hours, read my readings and do well in discussion, I could pull of an A. It’s all about attitude isn’t it? I’ve never gotten straight A’s in my life, and thinking about it, I’ve never excelled at anything. Not trying to be pompous though, I can, but I think I’ve kinda not let myself try because I’m afraid I might fail and really feel disappointed. Disappointment isn’t an emotion that I’ve dealt with very much. I avoid feeling that at all costs by emotionally detatching myself from anything that I care about…. okay that sounds extreme, but what I mean is, I try not to care too much. Like when I lost my hamster, I was really scared that she might end up dead actually, but to prevent myself from feeling too upset, I rationalized the fact that she might die into a good thing. I’d be less attached to her if she died sooner than later, but we found her actually….. like 2 hours later. lol Anyway, back to what I was saying. I’m not stupid and it’s not like these subjects aren’t easy to ace if you put some effort like actually reading the text and trying to understand it. This whole thing sounds dumb because I’m sure you know that….. it’s just that I haven’t realized it til now. I’m sure I did know it, but I never realized it… that it could actually happen.

So yea, it kinda sucks because I don’t know how to get my prof to like me or even notice me. I’ve resorted to stating the obvious to answer his (i’m not sure if it is or not) rhetorical questions. He probably thinks I’m an idiot.

 Uh, so something not kinda depressing is ….. I got my mp3 playa!!!!! I can go to the gym now!! lol and I also got a flash drive <3

I’ve been feeling kinda blue lately… I’d been introduced to this really cool application, Google Reader, and because of it, I’ve been reading the news a lot more. I think that could be why I’ve been depressed. It’s kinda sad but I never realized how many people die everyday unnecessarily. And I’m sure that the news I read dilutes everything. American/Western European journalism is known to be biased… well what isn’t. But I know there are probably a lot of horrible things that are going on that isn’t always reported.

My friend created a club. I’m not sure what it’s called but the objective of it is to discuss current issues, the way our government and world leaders are handling the situation, and to see if there is a different course of action that would be better suited for the problems. He got professors to come on board and help facilitate the discussions and educate the club members on things going on in the world. Then an english professor would draft a petition that we’d have students at BU sign and then spread word to other neighboring campuses like Cornell. The club would hold conventions and when there are about 10,000 or more signatures on the petitions, we’d send it over to our congressmen.

As there are many problems in the world, it seems idealistic to feel that we could actually make a difference. Margaret Mead said “never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” But it’s kind of hard to believe that individuals could really have an impact. In Intro to Politicial Science, many political scientists had researched why there were so few voter turn-outs for elections. It’s because most citizens are rational voters. My friend thinks that people are naturally irrational. I think that people are naturally rational, and sometimes the outcomes of their rational choices may be irrational. People don’t vote because they don’t think their votes would matter or if they are not educated on the candidates, they feel that opting out of voting is better than voting for someone that might turn out to be worse for the country. Its sometimes too costly to become informed on the candidates. As much as I’d like to be informed, I can never fully know how the candidate of my choice would carry out his/her position once elected.  

A tangent…. Why isn’t the enviroment a bigger issue in the upcoming election? Its such an impending issue and I can’t see how this isnt just as important if not more important than abortion.

—

Philosophy of Law’s discussion on Friday was so surreal. I was feeling kind of spacey when we were discussing Natural and Positive Law. Isn’t it kind of bizarre when you really sit down and think about the things we talk about? Who really talks about the differences in Law, who mandates it, and the metaphysical concept of what law is. The biggest debate over law is whether Law derives from a higher being or whether its a sovereign’s mandate. Which is correct and which is a justicfication of law and why should law be obeyed. Should law be based on morals? I was just sitting there spaced out. Cuz honestly, its not a practical discussion and no matter how much we discuss it, we will never be any closer to finding out.

Ew…… I’m watching America;s Funniest Home Videos and the groom is blindfolded and taking off the garter of who he thinks is his wife. Unfortunately, it’s the bride’s grandmother. Grossssssssssss

—

Anyway, antoher reason why I think I’m depressed is cuz I think I might be kinda lonely… I hate saying that cuz I feel so emo but my roommate has a biffer, and everyone else is just weird or annoying. I miss my home friends a lot.  And also cuz V-day is coming up.